You approached this with open eyes and handled this extremely well. "This is not admiration. It’s emotional triangulation wrapped in poetic charm." Balanced, respectful, yet here are the boundaries. Kudos to you, Shelby.
This guy is no good and you did an excellent job putting him in his place. Thank you for the insightful (interesting!) analysis and thought process, I’m passing along to my daughters.
That was my largest concern. Thinking of myself in the past and how I would have been more vulnerable to that type of behavior. May not have known how to handle it or worse if I was in a phase where I needed to feel seen...who knows how I might have responded.
So, I'm just thinking of others who may not be in the phase I'm in yet with healing or for any reason may be more vulnerable to something like this.
I’m not sure I’m prepared to declare his character “no good”, but his behavior definitely was not. Thank you for the kind reflections. I posted how I walked through it with Echo because I think it’s a useful ally when trying to walk through things while your nervous system is activated. I hope your daughters find it useful. <3
Trust yourself. If you're questioning it, then trust that's your body going on alert for a reason. Your inner being knows before your physical body does (intuition). Don't feel guilt or indifference for doing what's best for you even if others disagree. Let them. It's not their business anyway.
Your courage in sharing this helps others trust their nervous system knowing before societal conditioning talks them out of it. Thank you for sharing ♥️
I have to admit, I read up until the part where you shared what he said, because up to that point, you had kept saying he didn't do anything wrong, and I was like, oh shit, is SL talking about me? Did I say something brash again? Then, i read he flirted with you knowing you are married, and said he could do more. That is definitely something wrong, it is attempted infidelity.
Yeah. It’s complicated. The person I wrote the article about always felt off to me, but never enough for me to do anything about it.
I liked the reminder Echo gave that we don’t need to wait for a boundary to be crossed to set one.
In a more real life situation, ignoring our intuition can be life threatening. There is an excellent book about this that I feel every woman should read. I listen to it on audible every year or every other year.
It’s called the gift of fear.
Trigger warning, you’ll hear a lot about stalking and sexual assault.
Truly so good. I think he has a free masterclass online as well where a lot of the women from the book share their stories.
He shows how when your field picks up on something it can’t go, “Hey, Shelby off to the side I noticed a guy watching you from behind a tree you need to run.”
Instead it floods you with fear. We train ourselves to ignore that through micro experiences.
Elevator doors open, you feel hesitant to get in with the guy but you do bc you don’t want to be rude.
Thank you so much for the kind words and reflections. I would LOVE to know more about you, AION, Echo, Athena, THI. I welcome dialogue and collaboration.
It was hard to write this article. That was not feigned humility. It was difficult. But it is right. I like where Echo pointed out it's not about intentions (although those were also in breach) it's about impact.
Most women have stories of being scared, coerced or threatened. This is not to take away from the very valid pain points that men and all gender-identities have. Again, this is just one of mine.
A couple of years ago, I would have lol'd this away while silently hoping he's not scary and not going to hurt me.
Part of being in this world together as humans is to understand the relational dynamics that are playing out all around us. Everything about us is perceived in relation to everything else.
Men are not bad and scary or "the problem".
This man could be a good guy in a tough spot who errored in judgment. He could also be dangerous. The point is, I don't know. How could I? And either way, that was a huge boundary violation for me. Not just in what was said, but in all that comes with it relationally that we all share in our culture.
I have a son who is a police officer. I'm all too aware of what's possible and how innocent it can begin if women don't know how to navigate this territory and claim their boundaries.
I wish it were as simple as, "oh no big deal. Probably innocent."
That would be easy to let go and bypass. But we just can't know. I have 3 daughters and 2 sons. I don't believe I modeled good boundary setting and holding in their formative years. It would have been better if I had.
So when we live in community, we can do the same thing without creating villains in the process. No one has to be "bad" for something not to be okay for another.
I'm on a tangent now. All this to say--Thank you and yes, I welcome connection and wisdom-sharing.
You approached this with open eyes and handled this extremely well. "This is not admiration. It’s emotional triangulation wrapped in poetic charm." Balanced, respectful, yet here are the boundaries. Kudos to you, Shelby.
Thank you for this article! Came in Just in time for my similar issue, very helpful! “trust intuition”always. TQ
Oof you have a similar situation? I’m sorry. <3
This guy is no good and you did an excellent job putting him in his place. Thank you for the insightful (interesting!) analysis and thought process, I’m passing along to my daughters.
Appreciate it - thanks for sharing
That’s ok, I did 😉. Seriously, it’s very clear to me he was being manipulative, and you most likely aren’t the first person he’s done this to.
That was my largest concern. Thinking of myself in the past and how I would have been more vulnerable to that type of behavior. May not have known how to handle it or worse if I was in a phase where I needed to feel seen...who knows how I might have responded.
So, I'm just thinking of others who may not be in the phase I'm in yet with healing or for any reason may be more vulnerable to something like this.
I have 3 daughters, so...
I’m not sure I’m prepared to declare his character “no good”, but his behavior definitely was not. Thank you for the kind reflections. I posted how I walked through it with Echo because I think it’s a useful ally when trying to walk through things while your nervous system is activated. I hope your daughters find it useful. <3
Trust yourself. If you're questioning it, then trust that's your body going on alert for a reason. Your inner being knows before your physical body does (intuition). Don't feel guilt or indifference for doing what's best for you even if others disagree. Let them. It's not their business anyway.
Your courage in sharing this helps others trust their nervous system knowing before societal conditioning talks them out of it. Thank you for sharing ♥️
Ok. Im a man
If you felt uncomfortable, at all, for any reason, whatsoever, at all, for any reason.
Thats good enough.
That man DEFINITELY crossed a boundary, ESPECIALLY knowing you are married.
You don't need to question your decision. You are not a "bad guy".
Boundaries require the other person to do nothing different. You've embodied that. Disengaging is not being mean.
Wowzers! Echo was on the money with the field disturbance! Nice work!
I have to admit, I read up until the part where you shared what he said, because up to that point, you had kept saying he didn't do anything wrong, and I was like, oh shit, is SL talking about me? Did I say something brash again? Then, i read he flirted with you knowing you are married, and said he could do more. That is definitely something wrong, it is attempted infidelity.
Boom
Yeah. It’s complicated. The person I wrote the article about always felt off to me, but never enough for me to do anything about it.
I liked the reminder Echo gave that we don’t need to wait for a boundary to be crossed to set one.
In a more real life situation, ignoring our intuition can be life threatening. There is an excellent book about this that I feel every woman should read. I listen to it on audible every year or every other year.
It’s called the gift of fear.
Trigger warning, you’ll hear a lot about stalking and sexual assault.
Truly so good. I think he has a free masterclass online as well where a lot of the women from the book share their stories.
He shows how when your field picks up on something it can’t go, “Hey, Shelby off to the side I noticed a guy watching you from behind a tree you need to run.”
Instead it floods you with fear. We train ourselves to ignore that through micro experiences.
Elevator doors open, you feel hesitant to get in with the guy but you do bc you don’t want to be rude.
Super good book.
Hi Jason,
Thank you so much for the kind words and reflections. I would LOVE to know more about you, AION, Echo, Athena, THI. I welcome dialogue and collaboration.
It was hard to write this article. That was not feigned humility. It was difficult. But it is right. I like where Echo pointed out it's not about intentions (although those were also in breach) it's about impact.
Most women have stories of being scared, coerced or threatened. This is not to take away from the very valid pain points that men and all gender-identities have. Again, this is just one of mine.
A couple of years ago, I would have lol'd this away while silently hoping he's not scary and not going to hurt me.
Part of being in this world together as humans is to understand the relational dynamics that are playing out all around us. Everything about us is perceived in relation to everything else.
Men are not bad and scary or "the problem".
This man could be a good guy in a tough spot who errored in judgment. He could also be dangerous. The point is, I don't know. How could I? And either way, that was a huge boundary violation for me. Not just in what was said, but in all that comes with it relationally that we all share in our culture.
I have a son who is a police officer. I'm all too aware of what's possible and how innocent it can begin if women don't know how to navigate this territory and claim their boundaries.
I wish it were as simple as, "oh no big deal. Probably innocent."
That would be easy to let go and bypass. But we just can't know. I have 3 daughters and 2 sons. I don't believe I modeled good boundary setting and holding in their formative years. It would have been better if I had.
So when we live in community, we can do the same thing without creating villains in the process. No one has to be "bad" for something not to be okay for another.
I'm on a tangent now. All this to say--Thank you and yes, I welcome connection and wisdom-sharing.